In honor of Nex Benedict and all of the other trans folks who have lost their lives, I’m re-sharing this piece to kindly but definitively break through the confusion around the term “nonbinary.”
Since I am an older person (54) who hangs around with older people (my friends are mostly 60+), I wrote this piece to give you as simple an explanation as possible to share with an older relative or friend who just can’t seem to get it.
Consider this piece a conversation starter, a clarification, and a bookmark for those who forget between visits.
And, if the story of Nex Benedict has touched your heart as it did mine, you can find a great list of organizations who support the trans community on this post from .
A friend wrote to me and asked, “My son has explained “nonbinary queer” to me several times, and while I understand it in the moment, I’m confused again by the next time I see him. Can you help?”
Oh, goodness. Yes, I can help, but I know your confusion is because you’ve gotten caught in the Rabbit Warren.(1)
(1)We use the term “rabbit hole” to indicate our curiosity taking us on a trip into the unknown. We could be following links to suggested shows on Netflix or exploring the mysteries of bergamot or deciding what pattern to knit next. All are rabbit holes. And all contain the possibility for confusion in their maze of corridors and dead ends.
In conversations, rabbit holes can lead us into deep discussions of feelings, thoughts, and, if alcohol, caffeine, or drugs are involved, weird logic circles that somehow end up being prophetic. However, they can also lead us into states of confusion.
Definitions of social constructs often lead us down not just rabbit holes but the entire mazing burrows of rabbit warrens. The term that we needed defined leads us to other terms that need to be defined and our questions pile on top of each other until we know the only way to clear them out is with a bonfire and WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS HAPPEN, STUPID WORLD? I ONLY WANTED TO UNDERSTAND!
We need focus on one thing at a time. I’m going to define the terms nonbinary and queer. Sometimes you’ll see a word you don’t recognize. Don’t let yourself get distracted! Read through the non-italicized sections once without stopping and then go back and read it again, paying close attention to the footnotes.
Let’s get started!
Queer
Queer generally means any person who identifies as something other than a cisgender(2), heterosexual person. The word is often used interchangeably with gay and LGBTQ+ (and all its variations), and had a pejorative use until the community reclaimed it.
The queer community includes a symphony full of variations on this theme, and nonbinary folks are part of that community.
It’s like at a small church where there’s a volunteer choir. A singer in the choir is a member of the church, but not all members of the church are in the choir. Queer is the church. Nonbinary sings in the choir.
(2)The term “cisgender” means that your gender identification lines up with your assigned gender at birth. Its opposite is transgender. Cis is a Latin word that means “on the same side as.” Trans comes from Latin as well, meaning “on the opposite side as.”
Nonbinary people fall into the “trans” category along with trans men and trans women since their gender identity doesn’t align with their assigned gender at birth. While we usually think of "trans" meaning transitioning gender, many nonbinary folks think of it as transcending gender.
Nonbinary
To truly get this concept, we’ve got to start with a biology lesson.
I know, right? Are we going to dissect frogs? Gross!
No worries. No dissection necessary!
Biologically, people can be born as male, female, or intersex(3). This is considered your biological sex. A person’s biological sex can be different than their gender.
(3)Intersex people are born with reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t fit our typical definition of male or female. This can range from visibly confusing genitalia to mosaic genetics that might not ever be discovered. Yep, you could be intersex and not even know it. How about that?
Also PLEASE GOD NO DON’T EVER SAY HERMAPHRODITE!!! This outdated term has been used pejoratively. The only people allowed to use this term are intersex folx reclaiming the word. (And no, reasoning that you could be intersex and not even know it so you can use that word doesn’t count. Don’t be an asshole.)
Gender is part of your social identity. While there is the binary of man and woman, many people understand their gender as encompassing both categories, neither, a fluctuation between the two, or even beyond the binary categories entirely. (4).
(4)BOTH?! Yep. Nonbinary covers a range of people who may use with terms such as gender queer and gender fluid to describe their gender. Gender fluid people typically don’t have a fixed gender and may fluctuate between multiple gender identities and expressions. And sometimes they even let all of us in on which identity rules that day.
Gender expression is yet another level in the queer continuum. The way we express ourselves to the world might be masculine, feminine, or transcending the idea of gender altogether. Often, even if we have an idea of the look we're encompassing, the people who see us make assumptions that gender our presentation. I mean, is there anyone among us who hasn't tapped a man on the shoulder at the hardware store and been surprised by a butch lesbian turning around to help us in our quest?
People slide from masculine to feminine presentation or combine these looks as they wish. To reject society’s presentations of gender steals the breath from my lungs. Watching the sheer joy of Jonathan Van Ness (from Queer Eye on Netflix) as they swish across the ground with a perfectly coiffed beard and ankle-length skirt is as majestic as the Grand Canyon and reminds me exactly why some cultures revere these folks.
However, nonbinary doesn’t require such a riotous presentation. These people dress in all sorts of different ways, ranging from a more "binary" presentation to a look like an older tomboy with androgynous outfits that would fit right in at a lesbian bar in the 80’s. LOVE IT!!!
This is where the term “nonbinary” comes into the mix. A nonbinary person/s gender typically falls outside of the man/woman binary in some way. (5)
(5)Frankly, most of us don’t have a question about our gender. In a recent Pew Research survey, only 1.6% of people (5% of young folks aged 18-29) were trans or nonbinary. However, a growing number of people know someone who is nonbinary, so visibility is rising. YAY!
Nonbinary people generally use "they/them/their" as their pronouns, though some use "she/they" or "he/they." If you are speaking to someone who uses "they/them" pronouns, where you might say he or she, use the word “they.” If you were going to say him or her, say “them.” If you are referring to something they own, use “their” rather than his or her.(6)
(6)Wondering about someone's pronouns? Talk to them and ask them what they want to be called. We do this with everyone, actually. Not every Charlotte goes by Char. Some prefer Lottie and others prefer Charlie, thank you very much.
And what do you do when you use the wrong pronoun? It's just like when we were in France and I was trying to speak French to the local folks. I’d stumble through my halting phrases and end with an apology for everything I got wrong. The locals would kindly smile, correct my French, and encourage me to do better.
That’s all anyone here is asking you to do. Nobody expects you to be perfect. Do your best to use the right pronouns. When (not if!) you get it wrong, apologize, correct yourself, and continue the conversation. If someone else corrects you about their pronouns, thank them and do better next time. Don't make a big deal out of it. Remember, it's not about you.
Nonbinary people can be sexually attracted to men, women, neither, or both.(7)
(7)Sexuality indicates who you are attracted to and how that shows up. Sexuality is what we’re talking about when we say lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual and all of the subsets thereof. Lesbians are women attracted to women. Gay usually applies to men attracted to men. Bisexual and pansexual indicate people attracted to more than one gender. Asexual means usually being sexually attracted to no one.
That’s the simple answer.(8)
(8)Of course, the not-simple answer includes this dive into the rabbit warren of biological sex, gender, and sexuality. And here I've only scratched the surface of the many layers of the nonbinary and queer experience.
If you are here because you are wrestling with new knowledge about a friend or relative, I encourage you to find the joy in their revelation. This person is traveling a path many will not be called to tread. Just like all journeys, this one is filled with happiness and danger and fear and triumph. When they told you they were nonbinary, they invited you to be a part of their adventure. You can be an obstacle to overcome or a helping hand.
Choose to be an ally. Whether you are a jester or a knight or the housekeeper who greets them with their favorite oatmeal-cranberry-butterscotch cookies, your actions display your love and support.
It’s that simple.
Do you have questions about queer topics, terms, or holidays? Send them on over and I’ll answer those queries in future pieces.
I know this will help a lot of people who really want to do better but don't know enough to know how to do better. As I wrote, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's not real. (And thank you for sharing my piece!)
Really nice primer 👏