Saturday Shenanigans at the Military Pride Parade
In a parallel universe, the Lesbian Housewyfe has all of the puff-piece news cameras focused on her as she revs us up for the Military Pride Parade that we all wish was taking place today!
I am thrilled to see what happens with this year’s Military Pride parade! The pomp! The ceremony! The tanks and humvees shooting glitter cannons and cooling the crowd with pump-action squirt guns! You know what they say about the size of a lesbian’s gun—the larger the weapon, the better she knows how to use it. Yowza!
Of course, the whole thing will start with the leadership cutting the ribbon and fancy dancing down the streets. Dating back to the beginning of this country, the two-spirit community has commanded our forces. After all, who better knows the American countryside?
I hear that the uniforms got another upgrade this year from our favorite military fashion house, Boutique de Blamblam! Mother Kiki Fatigues reimagined summer with flared skirts paired with capri leggings and crop-tops. Très chic and so practical! Shoes can be heels or flats, but must be closed-toe. After all, even our most competent servicepeople occasionally drop heavy objects. Many choose spectator pumps since that elegant choice easily hides the steel toe. Gorgeously sensible!
A big showing has been promised by the Air Force, that collection of aromantic asexuals who fly above the fray. Though, of course, the demonstration by the Rainbow Angels brings a drama unrivaled by even the cattiest arguments on Ru Paul’s Drag Race.
The femmes of the Navy continue their tradition of swimming their way down the street. Our favorites, the SEALs, promise a demonstration of their most effective strategic tactic, the Flapping Flippers Chorus Line! Prepare to be awed if you are near the bandstand.
Space Force’s pansexuals created a brand-spanking-new float this year called “Searching Brave New Worlds for Strange New Hookups.” Watch out for that deep space exploration!
Throughout the entire parade, you’ll see demonstrations and displays from the Army. The traditional Nonbinary Tank Dance includes a live musical performance by Chappell Roan. I can’t wait to see those tanks shimmy to “Pink Pony Club”!
The humvees have gotten in on the action this year with a new synchronized demonstration, complete with appearances from several of the ill and disabled children supported by their generous foundation, Trans Support Tots. Prepare for your hearts to be broken and wallets emptied! Will there be fezzes? With tassels?!
As always, our most fierce drag queens will be providing security during the event. If you lose your child or child-like wonder, look for the designated story areas to retrieve them.
First aid stations can be found along the route with generous amounts of water, sunscreen, lip gloss and condoms/dental dams for anyone who forgot them. A big thank you goes out to our wonderful community of queer medical professionals for tending to every one of our needs!
Now, buckle up folks! Cher, our grand marshal, is ready to launch this year’s extravaganza!
Three…Two…One—
Glitter-glitter-glitter! Glam-glam-glam!
Oh, I love a parade!
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If only! But maybe next year.